Any Way You Dream It Read online

  “Get out of town!” That was pretty scandalous.

  “I wish I could have. In fact, I often wish I could get out of my whole life.”

  “Wow. So how did your mom take it?”

  “Not well. Saffron wanted to bring the girls to the funeral. Everything was kind of up to me. My parents weren’t married so my mom didn’t get a say, and my brother was fresh out of rehab and he didn’t take the news well.”

  “I bet not.”

  “I was in a tough spot. I had sisters, little kids to think about. In the end, I set up a private viewing for them and they didn’t come to the funeral, but Saffron did. Thankfully, she was discreet.”

  “That must have been…” I wanted to hug him, but I was elbow-deep in flour.

  He dragged his hand through his hair. “It was a freaking nightmare. I mean, of course she had a right to be there, but…”

  “Right. So then it’s done?”

  “Not by half. The thing about family money like ours is there are trusts and rules, and so I think Saffron thought she’d get lots of money to set her and the girls up. But my father only left them small trusts and no real income for her. Mal and I got all the money.”

  “She was pissed.”

  “Mainly, she was shocked. I mean, she comes from money, but she didn’t really get how the kids being illegitimate would play out.”

  “Okay, so end of story now?”

  “Not really. My brother wanted to contest the will, so, in his words “those little bitches won’t get anything.”

  “Nice touch.” I wasn’t warming to his brother.

  “Yeah, I felt that we had enough to give them a little more. But the real shit hit the fan when I said I intended to get to know my sisters.”

  “He wasn’t happy?”

  “Understatement. He was visiting and my mom showed up, and he lost it. He stormed out to a car and Mom followed him.”

  I didn’t like where this story was headed. “Had he been drinking?’

  “He’d definitely done something. Anyway, he hit a railing and Mom, who’d gotten in the car to calm him down, took the brunt.” He was up now and pacing. “She was semi-conscious but not fully with it, and…. it’s hard to even say.”

  “What?”

  “He got out of the car and left her. He headed to Logan Airport, got on a plane, and went to Mexico while our mother waited in the car for help.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I didn’t think I had ever heard anything so appalling in all my life. Poor CeCe.

  “I wish I was.”

  “And I thought my family was a mess.”

  “Exactly. So now Mom can’t walk, my brother is, effectively, a fugitive, and I have two half-sisters I’ve never met.”

  “You’ve still never met them?”

  “No. I’ve been busy shoring up my mom, and it felt was disloyal after everything that happened to her.”

  “But they’re family. And none of that was your fault anyway.”

  “Yeah, and you know what gets to me? That the first thing you say is, ‘They’re family.’ And of course you think I should step up. I love that about you because you feel that way even when you’ve been let down by your own. Watching you with your nieces and nephew, it just…” He ran his hands through his hair.

  “What?”

  “I feel like such a coward. You face everything head on, and here I am two years after discovering I have sisters, little kids, and I haven’t met them because I don’t want to upset my fugitive brother or be disloyal to my mother.”

  “You’re not a coward.” I walked over to him. “You’re the guy caught in the middle.”

  “Yeah, see? You’re letting me off the hook. I don’t know that I deserve that.”

  “Who’s to say? But I’m really glad you told me this.”

  “I wanted you to understand that, even though I really like you, I can’t be with you because of this.”

  “I’m not following you.” I knew he really liked me; that much was obvious. I was probably in love with him, so surely we could work this out. “So you have a complicated family. Welcome to the club.”

  “You don’t get it? You’re a good person. My mom was a good person. Even Saffron was a good person, but the men in my family are weak and selfish and destructive. I care too much about you to hurt you.”

  I shook my head. This was not making sense. “So you think because you come from a long-line of jerks, that you will turn into one, too, and you can’t be with me because you’ll hurt me?”

  He nodded. “Pretty much.”

  “That is just bullshit.” Seriously, I was pissed.

  He looked at me, his face full of surprise. I guess that wasn’t the reaction he was expecting.

  “It’s not bullshit, Lucy. It’s history.”

  “Nope, it’s a crappy excuse. If I’m not allowed to let myself be defined by my parents or my crazy family, then how come you are? You showed me the world doesn’t measure me by my past, and yet, you’re using the exact same reasoning to avoid having a relationship with me.”

  “It’s not the same thing.” He shook his head.

  “Yes, it is. And if you can’t see it…” I took a breath. I couldn’t make him want me. My mother had shown me that. And my sister, and my father… I wasn’t going to fight to be loved. If he loved me enough, I shouldn’t have to. “Chase, I’m glad you told me about your family, and I understand that was hard for you to do, but you’re right about one thing: this isn’t going to work between us. And not because I’m worried about you turning into your father, but because I think you’re even more terrified that you won’t. You’re scared to let yourself be happy, and for the first time in my life, I’m ready for happy.”

  He looked at me with those sexy eyes. I wished he’d kiss me one last time, so I could have that to remember, but I needed him to leave now. He was right; he did have baggage, but he was wrong about what it was.

  “Lucy…”

  I walked to the door and opened it. “If you decide you’re ready to be happy, give me a call. We’ll get a beer and catch-up or whatever.”

  “Can’t we still be friends?”

  “I don’t think friends is going to work for me, Manhattan.” Seeing him would be impossible for me. I was in love with him and he was—I didn’t know what he was, but he wasn’t in love with me. That much was crystal clear, because loving someone meant doing anything for them, even if it hurt. “I’ll see you round, Chase.”

  He sighed. “I was hoping—”

  “What? What were you hoping? You came here to tell me why we can’t be together as if you’re being noble and doing me a big-ass favor, but I think you’re scared to admit you want me. But, whatever. We can’t be together so, end of story. Friends is a consolation prize, and I don’t want it. You showed me I was worth the full deal, so I’m going to hold out for someone who wants to give it.”

  He looked at me, his eyes searching mine. This hadn’t gone the way he wanted. Good old Lucy was supposed to settle for friendship.

  One thing my time with Chase had done was give me confidence, and confident Lucy wasn’t settling anymore.

  I closed the door and listened to him leave the building. I had a good long cry as I made the pies. I’d fallen in love with the prince but he wasn’t riding in on a white steed to whisk me away. He looked good, he kissed amazingly, and he was kind, but he wasn’t quite up to slaying a dragon for me.

  Friday night, I went on a date. Shocked the hell out of me that I was, but Cherie had decided I needed to get back in the saddle. Or rather, her actual words were, “back in the sack.”

  That probably wasn’t going to happen, but I had to start dating sometime, so no time like the present.

  So I found myself at a very ritzy bar down a flight of steps beneath an old colonial building. Inside, the walls were lined with whiskey bottles, and it was so dark all sense of time was lost. It could have been three in the afternoon or after midnight.

  My date, Carl, was Nordic wit
h tanned skin and almost white-blonde hair. He was, as Cherie had described, good-looking and an enjoyable date.

  Or so I thought until he began explaining civil war re-enactments. I wasn’t sure if they were the dullest activity on the planet, or if Carl’s nearly two-hour description (during which time I had three beers and only a bowl of nuts) made them even less appealing.

  “So, Lucy, you think you’d like to come along to one sometime?”

  Was he serious? I would rather have my leg chopped off. We’d been there two-and-a-half hours, and apart from asking me if I liked the Red Sox, this was the first question he’d actually asked me.

  Maybe I’d been spoiled by the ever-attentive Chase, but this guy was beyond self-absorbed.

  “Maybe,” I said, not wanting to be rude. But let him try and plan something? Yeah, not happening.

  “Cool. We’re always in need of more women to play nurses.”

  That wasn’t going to happen; me dressing up as a civil war nurse wasn’t enough to make a relationship work between us. “I bet. Well, thanks for a wonderful evening, but I need to get going. Early start tomorrow.”

  “Oh, sure. I’ll call you. We’ll set something up.”

  “Great.”

  He turned his attention to the guy seated on his left.

  So no kiss goodnight, no handshake, and certainly no walk outside to hail me a cab. Yep, Cherie’s matchmaking skills needed some work because this guy was a putz, and Chase, whom I couldn’t have, was looking even better.

  It was nine o’clock on Friday night when I headed home, I’d hail a cab in a few blocks. I sent Cherie a text—Not A Match—and did some people-watching as I walked. Everyone was part of a couple.

  I wanted to be.

  All my life I had wanted normal, and to me, that was normal. A nice couple, a few kids, and maybe a dog. Some Girl Scouts and Little League, with family vacations at the beach. Disney, too. Everyone worked hard, ate pot roast, and helped with the dishes. It didn’t seem like an impossible dream, and yet, for some reason, I couldn’t quite reach it.

  Oh well, it was only one date. Maybe the next one would be better.

  Chapter 22

  Chase wasn’t doing too well at not staying in touch. In fact, he sent me a text before I had even made it home from my date.

  How was your date?

  Who told you?

  A little bird.

  Same bird that thinks she’s a matchmaker?

  I’m not telling.

  Then me either.

  The trouble with a text message was the tone. Inflection. It was hard to tell who was joking or who was being serious. Did he want me to have had a great date or not? Part of me wanted him to think I was fine, but a little bit of jealousy wouldn’t have killed him.

  Sure, we were only ever friends, or friends-who-made-out, or whatever the term was, but still, I’d like to think I had made some impact.

  He’s certainly made one.

  I called my mom the next day to check on the kids. They were out with Kevin and the dog.

  “So how’s Chase?”

  “We broke up. Well, not that we were together, but our engagement is off.”

  “Honey, why? Can you fix it? He’s a keeper.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Love usually is.” She sighed. “Do you think—”

  “No, Mom, I really don’t.”

  “Oh well, plenty of fish in the sea,” she said. But we both knew that wasn’t necessarily true, and after having salmon who wanted an anchovy?

  “How are the kids? Any word from Minnie?”

  “The kids are fine, and we think we’ve tracked your sister down to Reno.”

  “We?” Who was we?

  “We hired an investigator.

  “How, Mom?” Maybe my mother’s new boyfriend had more resources than I gave him credit for. But her lack of answer, that silence that hung between us, it meant she was keeping a secret. “Mom?”

  “Never you mind. The point is that she’s in Reno. They’re running low on cash and I’m nervous about it. I’m worried about the house. What would Joe say?”

  Secrets. Her family was all about secrets. Time to tell her own. “Joe would probably say I’m damn glad I left the house in a trust to the kids, and that one of my life insurance policies paid off the mortgage, because as much as I loved Minnie, I knew she wasn’t perfect.”

  My mother’s sigh of relief could be heard across state lines. “Thank goodness. That’s such good news. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Lots of reasons.” I didn’t need to say she’d been drinking when Joe died and it had been none of her damn business. “The main thing is, the house is safe. I’ll keep up the utilities and I have a key, so I can stop by and mow the yard and throw out the house plants.”

  “You’re an impossibly good girl, Lucy. You deserve better than me.”

  “You have a great opportunity to make amends, as you AA people say. Take really good care of those kids and give them the security they need. I can pay their bills, but I can’t look after them like you can.”

  Her voice went very quiet. “Chase didn’t leave you because of us, did he?”

  “I don’t think he was ever really with me, Mom, but, for what it’s worth—and I know the irony won’t be lost on you—he thinks he comes from a damaged family and he wanted to protect me from them..”

  “Get out!” she said, sounding more like a twenty-year-old than I’d ever heard her.

  “I know. Crazy, right?”

  “It’s crazy that he feels he can’t make a relationship work, but it’s nice that he wants to protect you, apart from the heartbreak, of course.”

  “Yes, it would all be very romantic if it weren’t for that.”

  “He’ll come around, Lucy. Just be patient.”

  I’d waited years to have a decent conversation with my mother and here it was, but I wasn’t sure I had it in me to do any more waiting.

  And despite my requests, Chase wasn’t exactly leaving me alone.

  Any exciting plans today?

  You are supposed to be leaving me alone.

  Don’t want to.

  Don’t care.

  It wasn’t like he was a stalker, but how was I ever going to get over him if he didn’t leave me alone?

  I, of course, did not have any exciting plans. That was the problem; I needed to make some. It was Saturday, so Cherie was working as was Piper. I’d worked this morning, but not now. And then an idea hit me. I’d get some brochures at a travel agency and find a nice café and browse. Most people booked their adventures online, but since I’d never had one, I wanted the thrill of browsing and deciding… and the security of someone else booking for me.

  There was an agency not too far away, so off I went.

  An hour later, I was sitting in a café, sipping a caramel latte, trying to decide if my first adventure should be Hawaii, the Caribbean, or Mexico.

  A shadow fell over my table.

  Chase.

  “What a coincidence,” he said.

  “Seriously?” I didn’t believe in coincidences where he was concerned.

  “May I?” He gripped the back of a chair.

  “Do I get a choice?” I was both pleased to see him and exasperated. I needed closure.

  “Don’t be like that. I miss you,” he smiled down at me.

  I shook my head. I missed him, too. I missed talking to him and seeing his face and the way he made me feel. I kept telling myself it wasn’t all him, that I missed Minnie and the kids and had been through enough upheaval, but the way I felt with him sitting there smiling at me… well, that told me I was definitely kidding myself.

  “And of course, Manhattan. It’s all about you.”

  “Don’t you miss me? Even a little?”

  “Doesn’t matter. I’m moving on.” I opened one of the travel brochures and focused on azure seas.

  They weren’t as pretty as his eyes.

  “Planning a trip?”

  “
Maybe.”

  “Want some help?”

  “No.”

  “I am a travel writer, too, you know. I might have some insight and since I’m sitting right here, you may as well use my knowledge.”

  I sighed. A voice in my head said, “Resistance is futile,” and I had to agree.

  Okay, I wanted to agree. “Fine. Here. Take a look.”

  Chase was very helpful and informative. He didn’t steer me toward one destination or another, he simply listed the pros and cons. A pragmatic approach, but it was obvious, watching him look through the brochures, that money was far less of an objective for him than for me.

  “If you’re on a budget, you really want to do some online research for deals and places to see and eat. There’s a bucket-load of info to help you.”

  “I’ve never really been on a real vacation before.”

  His eyebrows shot north. “Never?”

  “I did a few weekends away with college friends and some ski trips, but not anything like this.”

  “Wow.”

  “We’re not all world-travelers, Chase,” I said, draining my coffee. “So which one would you visit?”

  “Am I going with you?” he asked me.

  “No. Which one would you visit if you were me going without you?”

  “Hawaii or the Caribbean on a cruise. Put your bags on, and let them do the rest. You can take day trips get some exposure to new places. Hawaii if you’re in the mood for hiking and scenery and cocktails.”

  “Thanks, that gives me somethings to consider.”

  “Would you like another cup of coffee?”

  “No, I have to go.” I didn’t really, but this was too easy, too comfortable, and I couldn’t let myself be sucked into believing it was going to be anything more than what it was. Which was over.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Chase, we’ve been through this.”

  “But—”He grabbed my hand

  “No buts. I know you’re used to getting what you want, but this isn’t like that.”

  “Can’t we be friends, at least?”

  I sighed by sitting here talking to him I guess he got the impression that was an option. How easy it would be for me to hang in the friend zone with the very sexy, Chase. I could take him to parties and he could take me to dinner, and maybe we’d even kiss, and I’d be stuck in love with a man who couldn’t give me what I needed.